Shot Mail

Have you ever worked on a mail shot? So has this guy, with hilarious results.

Many people wonder what is best, advertising in a publication or advertising via a mail shot by buying mailing lists from various sources.

I must admit that I can't always make up my mind which to choose. Originally, I just placed a small ad in a newspaper and hoped for the best. I then went on to advertise in specialist magazines, such as this one.

I tend to find that if you stick to the same publication all the time that, eventually, interest in your promotion, whatever it is, starts to thin down, until you receive no replies at all. When this happens I tend to look in the magazine to check whether or not its actually gone in and, on seeing that it has, feel disappointed about the lack of response.

There are hundreds of manuals explaining the 'ins and outs' of advertising but, in the end, its whatever works for you. I've tried, 'sure fire', techniques over and over but it seems that success only comes as a matter of chance and when it does, it soon dries up again.

Time to turn to the aforementioned Mail shots, then.

Now, list brokers seem to promise the earth of their lists, don't they?. Each one spends lots of their promotional page on telling you why you should choose their 'Names and addresses', and not the lists from other companies.

Recently, I received a letter from a certain company suggesting that I become a customer immediately. I didn't, as I was busy with a small time operator, still getting through their list supplied to me on laser printed labels. The result was poor, it put me off mail shots for a while, I'd stick to publications instead.

A second letter from the company that suggested I join them arrived, it asked why they hadn't heard from me yet.

Reading through the bumph they'd sent was very interesting, their lists seemed perfect for me ... laser printed on sticky labels, 10 names to replace any, 'Gone-a-ways' you may get returned to you, supplied especially for your type of business, why, I couldn't go wrong.

Anyway, I still didn't commit myself, as it would only be worth me purchasing, 1000 labels worth and, at the time, funds were low.

A third letter from the same company asking, Why haven't you sent for a list yet, we simply can't understand it, we have mailed you twice before, surely you can find a use for us, remember we are the best, we give you 10 new names for every, 'Gone-a-way' you may get returned to you, please send for your labels today!

Well, ten out of ten for effort, I thought. Keep sending the letters and, eventually, your targeted customer will bite. So THAT'S what I've been doing wrong, I was supposed to mail to each person three times before expecting a reply ... what fool would do that?

I took them up on their offer and requested 1000 labels for people interested in, 'Working from home', you know the type, gullible, easily led, believe anything they're told, skint, lazy, tight, want something for nothing, liars, always moaning, keep going on about their latest scam, that type of person. 'All our lists are for that type', they replied.

On receiving their sticky labels, sorry, their, laser printed, sticky labels, I set to work on ordering the envelopes from, Viking Direct, as they are cheaper than most, I was informed.

I never realised that there were so many different types to choose from, goodness me, I was confused.

Anyway, I settled for DL standard, white, recycled, self seal, open along the length, ready stamped, no, they weren't ready stamped but I wished that they were. It was about £30.00 for the thousand, there may have been a special offer and they were, £9.99 for the thousand, I can't quite remember.

I was about to put my trust in, 'The best mailing list available', so I couldn't go wrong, could I?

Now, I know that I should have been just a little suspicious after I'd stuck a label to an envelope with , Mr. E. Quals, or, James Bond, printed on it, but I thought, well, perhaps there are some people with these names, so I continued sticking label to envelope.

Even, 'Y. Fronts', didn't click as, back a few years, while frequenting a night club, I witnessed a commotion when a guy had signed in as a guest under the name of, 'D. Duck', the bouncers surrounded him and the head doorman asked firmly, 'What does the 'D' stand for, Donald, I suppose?'. 'Yes', replied the terrified customer, and showed his driving licence and credit card, to reveal, 'Mr. Donald Duck', his mother, apparently, hadn't heard of the cartoon character of the same name, obviously she wasn't a Disney fan.

So, for me to become suspicious of my new list was out of the question at that time.

My third, 'Cliff Richard', however, did raise an eyebrow.

As I worked my way through the labels, I started thinking of all the work I had to do, what with stuffing them, licking the stamps and sticking return address labels on the back ... was it really worth posting this lot with so many, Mickey Mouse names, so to speak?

Well, I did send them all off, the people in the queue behind me at the pillar box didn't find it at all amusing when I announced that I was sending Christmas cards, early, to all my friends. They just had to wait while I stuffed 1000 letters into it.

I can remember getting annoyed with the larger envelopes that had to be folded in half, in order for them to fit through the opening of the post box, but they kept springing back flat and jamming just inside it. I felt silly pushing my hand inside the slit while, painfully, trying to push them further down to make room for the rest, I just couldn't get in far enough to do it properly (passer by's gave a strange look, wondering if I was trying to take somebody else's letter out).

After I'd finished, the thought of somebody being able to reach inside and touch, or even grab hold of and steal my letters was worrying, I felt I ought to stand on guard all day until the postman came to empty it. Quite often, on seeing a pillar box full up, I've had to move a package on top so as I could fit mine more comfortably inside leaving the 'moved' item to fall out instead of mine.

Anyway, the list wasn't as bad as I'd originally thought. Apart from a few, 'Gone-a-ways', which I didn't get 10 names back for because it was, 'past 30 days of, usage, whatever that meant, I had gained a few new agents for my home business, the secretary of the Walt Disney fan club UK, had signed up along with, F. Sam, P. Pat, P.B. Bear, B. Ears and a guy called, Cliff Richard.

Well, Okay, but I did get one sign up, honestly, with my, Shot Mail.

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